Pan Party

Sorry for the delay, I’ve been pretty busy and hadn’t got round to answering. I hope it’s not too late for advice?

You only need to come out when you want to, and you only need to come out to who you want to come out to. I’m out to almost all my friends, but not my family. I kidded myself that I wasn’t telling my dad because he would make me tell my mum. They don’t really talk anymore, and I decided to tell him. Nope, chickened out. If you don’t feel ready to tell your mum, you don’t need to. I’m sure your girlfriend will understand.

I rewrote this four times and I kept rambling, so I’m going to bullet point it. I hope you don’t mind.

• Orientation identity is just that; an identity rather than a legal/scientific/etc strict definition.
• Likewise, orientation identities are not rigid; my partner identifies as straightish. It’s not like you can check the sex and gender of everyone you find attractive, and sometimes people who don’t ‘fit’ your identity will be attractive to you.
• There’s no rule saying orientation identity has to revolve around gender only; being a lesbian can mean attracted to people of the same sex and/or gender, if you like.
• If they were to be in a relationship with the androgyne, as long as they respect, acknowledge and support that persons gender identity, their lesbian identity doesn’t make it void.
• Same the other way round; if the other person respects, acknowledges and supports her lesbian identity, their gender identity doesn’t make it void.
• If she wants to be in a relationship with this person, she’s going to have to talk to them herself, because they might be uncomfortable with her identifying purely as lesbian; my advice is just that it doesn’t mean she can’t be a lesbian anymore.

There are interesting stories of people who identify as straight/gay and then fall in love with someone who makes them question that. Most of the ones I can think of do tend to involve cis people, though.